Perhaps the only type of quote better than a wise quote is a quote
that, while conveying some universal truth, is also witty. If you’re in
need of a good laugh — and really, who isn’t? — then check out our list
of the top 100 funny quotes of all-time. Funny quotes are also good for
making other people laugh; posting one of these quotes on Facebook or
Twitter is sure to elicit many chuckles from your friends and followers.
There’s a funny quote here for everybody: this list has everything from
ironic statements and macabre jokes to bathroom humor. Also included
are interpretations, which attempt to explain just what makes each quote
so darn funny– the interpretations also come in handy for that one
clueless person who always says, “I don’t get it” in response to your
hilarious joke. (Don’t worry, this list has funny quotes about those
types of people as well.)
1
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.- Bob Monkhouse
Interpretation: This joke is a play on the cliche of
wanting to die peacefully in your sleep. This familiar statement takes
an unexpected twist when we learn that grandpa was, in fact, driving a
car full of passengers when he died “peacefully in his sleep.” As a
result, those passengers did not die so peacefully! This type of joke,
in which the second half of the statement is shocking or unexpected
(usually making you see the first part of the statement in a different
light), is also called a “paraprosdokian.”
2
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.- Elayne Boosler
Interpretation: This funny quote presents a clever
idea that might possibly work: if you have multiple locks on your door
and only lock some of them, someone who tries to pick the lock and
assumes that all the locks are engaged will not be able to unpick them
all (until, that is, they figure out that not all of the locks were
initially locked).
3
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.- Oscar Wilde
Interpretation: Someone who expects bad things to
happen (a pessimist) will expect a negative outcome when they lend you
money, which is that you won’t return the money. Wilde is saying that
this make pessimists good people to borrow money from — because you
would never be expected to pay back the money you owe them! The quote is
funny because it pokes fun at pessimists (in reality, most people
expect you to return money they lend you, pessimist or not) and assumes
the reader is a dishonest person who does not want to pay their debts.
4
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.- Mark Russell
Interpretation: Most people are aware that the
planet Saturn is surrounded by rings (you may or may not know that these
rings are composed of ice and rocky material). Most people also know
that airline luggage often gets lost. While the rings of Saturn are of
course not literally composed of lost luggage, this quote is humorous
because it makes fun of a frustrating experience many people can relate
to — the airline losing your luggage.
5
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.- Robert Bloch
Interpretation: This joke is of the bathroom humor
variety. While many quotes about friendship are meant to be taken
very seriously, this funny analogy takes a lighthearted (yet not
inaccurate!) twist when it compares friendship to peeing your pants.
6
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.- Steve Martin
Interpretation: Here’s a classic “good news, bad
news” joke quote from a master comic. It’s darkly funny because the
“good” news is really pretty terrible, and the bad news is implied: once
we hear the good news (that the patient is going to have a disease
named after him), we already know the bad news (that the patient has a
never-bef0re-seen disease). Disease is usually a serious topic, but
tasteful jokes on this subject can be especially funny because they make
us laugh at our fear of death, rendering it less terrifying.
7
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana Turner
Interpretation: Quotes that laugh at the perceived
differences between the genders (or gender stereotypes) are funny to
those who enjoy this kind of humor. The joke here is that men are
considered successful if they make a lot of money, but women don’t need
to make money to be considered successful; they just need to marry a man
who makes a lot of money.
8
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’- Anonymous
Interpretation: The joke this quote makes is that
elderly women are often crazy about the game bingo, so much so that an
otherwise nice old lady might utter an obscene word if she loses at
bingo. (Plus, most people find it funny to think of a “sweet little
80-year-old lady” saying the “F” word.)
9
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.- Dave Barry
Interpretation: Taking a metaphor or analogy
seriously — in this case, thinking a motivational statement like “finish
what you start” applies to eating junk food — makes for a classic joke.
This quote also makes fun of the vague and sometimes impractical advice
one might receive from a therapist.
10
Interpretation: People often joke about the haughty, stuck-up nature of cats. This quote literally means that dogs are obedient to their owners, while cats think they are the owner, or master, and that you work for them.Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.- Anonymous
11
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.- Miles Kington
Interpretation: A wise person knows better than to
put a tomato in a fruit salad (even though it is “technically” a fruit).
In other words, knowledge is useless without common sense.
12
Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?- Anonymous
Interpretation: This quote makes fun of the way
people use language to try to pretend they’re being polite when they’re
actually being impolite. Just because you say, “no offense” doesn’t mean
that you’re not being offensive!
13
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.- Douglas Adams
Interpretation: If you’re a procrastinator like
Douglas Adams, this quote probably made you laugh. This is a
play-on-words joke in which the second statement stands in stark,
unexpected contrast to the first. While Adams initially says he “loves”
deadlines, we then learn that what he actually loves is to defy
deadlines.
14
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.- Socrates
Interpretation: Ah, who doesn’t love a funny
marriage quote — and a self-deprecating, ancient Greek one, no less?
This playful Socrates quote means that marriage is beneficial no matter
what: your partner will either bring you happiness or they will bring
you misery; if they bring you misery, your unhappiness can inspire you
to become someone who tries to figure out the meaning of life, i.e., a
philosopher (like Socrates himself).
15
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.- Emo Philips
Interpretation: This quote pokes fun at
Christianity, and how it sometimes seems to send the message that it is
easier to sin and ask for forgiveness than it is to pray for what we
want and be patient.
16
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.- Anonymous
Interpretation: You can lie without lying if you
tell an “edited” version of the truth, also known as a lie of omission.
For example, if you are accused of eating your little brother’s cookies,
you might say, “I’m on a diet,” giving the impression that your diet
would have prevented you from eating the cookies, when in reality, you
only started your diet today, and you ate the cookies last night. Or
maybe you are on a cookies-only diet!
17
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.- Greg King
Interpretation: It is a bad idea to argue with a
fool (an idiot). The idiot will win not because he is right, but because
he gets into verbal arguments all the time and has therefore become
skilled at them.
18
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.- Al McGuire
Interpretation: It is ironic that there are people
who went on suicide missions (kamikaze pilots) while at the same time
wearing a device that’s supposed to save your life (a helmet).
19
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.- Billy Sunday
Interpretation: This funny analogy illustrates the
fact that the mere action of going someplace does not change who or what
you are; it’s just as ridiculous to think that going to church makes
you a devout religious person as it is to think that going to the garage
makes you a car.
20
Interpretation: Here’s another joke about the sexes, this one making fun of the emotional simplicity of the stereotypical male: since men are only capable of feeling two emotions, hungry and sexually aroused, if a man does not have an erection (he is not sexually aroused), then you can use deductive reasoning to figure out that you should bring him food (because he is hungry). Of course, this is a gross exaggeration, but that’s what makes it a joke!Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.- Anonymous
21
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.- Franklin Jones
Interpretation: This is a funny, clever way of
saying things advertised as “bargains” are not really good deals because
we don’t really need the item that is being sold; we are just convinced
we should buy the thing because the price seems so low.
23
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.- Dave Barry
Interpretation: Bathroom humor alert: the joke here
is that if you take both a sleeping pill and a laxative before going to
bed, you will defecate in your bed (while asleep).
24
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.- Wilson Mizner
Interpretation: In this quote, Mizner is pointing
out (in a funny way) that most academic research contains no original
ideas and is akin to plagiarism. If a writer copies the exact words or
ideas of another writer, we look down on the writer for plagiarizing,
but if she incorporates the ideas of many writers, the academic
community has no problem with this and labels it as “research.”
25
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.- Flip Wilson
Interpretation: This is another one of those quotes
that sounds inspirational/comforting at the outset but then takes a
surprising turn, with the takeaway being that you can count on certain
people to care if you live or die — but only because they will stop
receiving your money if you die.
26
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?- Anonymous
Interpretation: It’s ironic how it’s so easy to
start a catastrophic fire when we’re not trying to (by accidentally
dropping a lit match), but if we are actually trying to start a
fire, then it’s practically impossible (we have to use up a whole box
of matches before we can finally get a fire going).
27
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.- Jack Nicholson
Interpretation: ”Son-of-a-bitch” is, of course, a
common insult that people often use without thinking about what it
means. But if, like Jack Nicholson’s mother, you call your own son a
“son-of-a-bitch,” then the joke is on you, because you are calling
yourself a bitch!
28
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.- Ethel Mumford
Interpretation: We don’t get to choose our
relatives, but at least we can choose our friends. This is a humorous
way of saying that relatives are often unpleasant.
29
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”- Claude Pepper
Interpretation: There’s no point in investing if you
won’t live long enough to see a return on your investment. Pepper is
making fun of his age here, joking that he’s so old that he won’t risk
buying bananas before they’re ripe because he doesn’t know if he’ll live
to see them ripen!
30
Interpretation: Oscar Wilde was great with plays-on-words like this one: by changing just one word (wherever to whenever), a positive statement turns into an insult; literally, it means that some people make everyone around them happy because of their presence, while other people make everyone unhappy with their presence (and so people are happy “whenever they go”).Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.- Oscar Wilde
31
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.- Bill McGlashen
Interpretation: Human nature is funny: we want
people to be patient with us, but we are not patient with others, or
even with others’ patience if it impacts us negatively! The author uses
the metaphor of driving to drive this point home: we appreciate it when
the person driving behind us doesn’t get mad and honk their horn because
of our bad driving, but if the person driving in front of us is holding
us up by being patient with another driver, we get angry.
32
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.- Steven Wright
Interpretation: The joke is that since you won’t be
able to stop the car using the brakes, you’ll have to honk for people to
get out of your way.
33
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.- Anonymous
Interpretation: This quote points out one of the
great ironies of child-rearing: we initially teach children to express
themselves and move freely, but then we get angry if they use these
skills to speak their minds or run around.
34
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.- Steven Wright
Interpretation: Steven Wright is a master of
delivering deadpan paraprosdokians (see the interpretation of the first
quote in our list for the definition) like this one. Oftentimes, he’ll
take on the persona of a very oblivious person, as he does here: the
person thinks that just because he has not died thus far, he will
probably be able to achieve his goal of living forever.
35
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.- Caskie Stinnett
Interpretation: Interpretation: This
is another one of those “exaggeration” jokes: diplomats are people who
are so good at not offending anyone that they can tell someone something
really insulting (like “Go to hell!”) and the person will not be at all
insulted; they will, in fact, react positively.
36
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.- Anonymous
Interpretation: ”Money can’t buy you happiness” or
some variation of this statement is a very commonly used saying; this
quote turns that boring old saying on its head by specifying that while
money can’t buy happiness, it can make sadness better (which is really
pretty much the same thing as buying happiness).
37
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.- Anonymous
Interpretation: This quote makes us laugh at
ourselves when we realize the truth it conveys: we’ve all experienced
that moment during a heated argument where we realize we are the one who
is wrong — and it is a humbling and embarrassing moment, indeed.
38
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.- Charles Wadsworth
Interpretation: We always think our parents are wrong until we grow up and have kids of our own.
39
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.- Robert Wilensky
Interpretation: This quote makes fun of Internet users, equating them to monkeys banging on typewriters.
40
Interpretation: When taken literally, there is a lot of room for humor in allegories (fables). This biblical joke depends on the reader knowing the story of Noah and the Ark, which tells us that Noah saved two of every animal from a great flood and that’s why these animals exist now. The author asks why Noah would take mosquitoes on his Ark — they are pests, after all!Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?- Anonymous
41
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?- Milton Berle
Interpretation: This is a joke about the difficulty
of motherhood, and to some extent, about the scientific theory of
evolution. The theory of evolution says that species adapt to their
environments over time. Berle asks why mothers don’t have more hands if
this is true — the implied joke being that mothers could use additional
hands to “adapt” to motherhood, since raising kids is such hard work.
42
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.- Anonymous
Interpretation: As with allegories, it can also be
funny when someone takes a joke literally. This anonymous quote refers
to the age-old “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke, taking that
question in a mock-serious manner.
43
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.- Marilyn Monroe
Interpretation: Here’s another “War of the Sexes”
joke that also kind of makes fun of the women’s rights movement, but in
favor of women. It means that women can actually be greater than men, so
if they are only striving for equality, they need to try harder.
44
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.- Norm Crosby
Interpretation: This quote makes fun of jury duty,
saying that jury members are incompetent because if they were smart,
they would have found a way to excuse themselves from jury duty (because
jury duty is so unpleasant).
45
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.- Isaac Asimov
Interpretation: We laugh at this quote because
Asimov seems to be making fun of himself — he disparages “people who
think they know everything” and then implies that he thinks he knows
everything.
46
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.- Robert Frost
Interpretation: Frost is pointing out the irony of work: the harder you work, the more work you make for yourself.
47
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.- Anonymous
Interpretation: ”Fighting fire with fire” is to
respond to an attack with an equal or similar attack, e.g., to have an
aggressive reaction to someone’s aggressive action toward you. Fighting
fire with fire is usually a bad idea. This quote employs a literal
example of why fighting fire with fire is unwise — the fire department
literally uses water instead of fire to fight fire — for humor and
effect.
48
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?- Ronald Reagan
Interpretation: Jokes about how “work sucks” are
always popular. Reagan was playing on the popular saying, “Hard work
never killed anybody,” joking that if there is even a slight chance of
it killing you, you shouldn’t do it. In effect, he is making a funny
excuse for avoiding hard work.
49
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.- Anonymous
Interpretation: This quote points out a funny irony:
we spend just as much money on food as we do trying to lose weight. (So
maybe we should just spend less money on food!)
50
Interpretation: This anonymous saying is a funny take on the classic Alexander Pope quote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” In this version, the second half of the famous quote is replaced with a joke about how managers blame other people for their mistakes.To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.- Anonymous
51
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”- Anonymous
Interpretation: The author of this quote is making
fun of his or her poor cooking skills and/or laziness when it comes to
cooking. Here, the prospect of the author carrying out the instructions
on a recipe is compared to the plot of a science fiction novel: both are
unrealistic.
52
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.- Franklin P. Jones
Interpretation: This is a joke about how people are
always running late: if you always arrive on time, you won’t get any
credit for it because the other person/people will not have arrived yet.
53
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.- Anonymous
Interpretation: Funny but true (and also, kind of
sad): the better you are at something, the more likely it is that people
will ask you to do it — regardless of whether you enjoy it or not.
54
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.- John Wilmot
Interpretation: Funny quotes about the difficulty of
parenthood are relatable to anyone with kids. This one means that
people who aren’t parents think they know a lot about parenting and have
many ideas about the right way to do it; however, once you actually
have children, you realize that none of the theories you had before
becoming a parent hold true.
55
A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.- T. H. Thompson
Interpretation: A filing cabinet is supposed to help
you organize things so you won’t lose them … but the author of this
quote is joking that you still lose things with a file cabinet, only in
an organized fashion (essentially saying that file cabinets are
useless).
56
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.- George Miller
Interpretation: This is a great hyperbole
(exaggeration) joke about how filling Italian food is. People always say
that after you eat Chinese food, you are hungry a few hours later …
Miller is saying that when it comes to eating Italian food, you’re not
hungry until a few days later!
57
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.- Sam Levenson
Interpretation: Here’s yet another funny parenting quote. The meaning of this one is that having kids makes you crazy.
58
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.- Rod Stewart
Interpretation: Marriage (that ends in divorce) is
basically the same thing as buying a house for a person you don’t like …
so why not just do that and forget all the actual marriage part?
59
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.- Bob Hope
Interpretation: Bob Hope is joking about how it is
ironic that banks only lend money to people who don’t need the money, or
people who have a means to pay the money back. If you really need to
borrow money, say, because you don’t have a job, then a bank probably
won’t lend you any.
60
Interpretation: The “oldest profession” is prostitution. By saying that politics resembles the oldest profession, Reagan is likening politicians to prostitutes (ha-ha).Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.- Ronald Reagan
61
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.- Ben Bergor
Interpretation: This is a joke about how teenagers
are lazy and self-serving: they are good at learning how to drive a car
(because it’s something they want to do that benefits them) but they
pretend they can’t understand how to work chore-related devices.
62
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.- Joan Rivers
Interpretation: Rivers is joking about how
infrequently she does housework. This funny quote starts off with the
typical complaints we often hear about what a chore housework is, but
then it takes an unexpected twist when she indicates that she only does
housework twice a year.
63
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.- Bill Vaughan
Interpretation: Here’s a funny way of saying that bugs are “guests” at all of our picnics.
64
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.- Anonymous
Interpretation: Watching the news is depressing
because it tells you about all of the sad and scary things that happen
in the world every day — despite the newscasters saying that it’s a
“good evening” at the beginning of the program.
65
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.- Wendy Liebman
Interpretation: Oh, lazy men and their love of TV. A
clever way to give your couch potato husband a “big-screen TV” is to
just move him closer to the TV.
66
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.- Jerry Seinfeld
Interpretation: Seinfeld first points out that
people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death. The
hilarious absurdity of this fact is made apparent when he takes this a
logic a step further, saying it means that at a funeral, most people
would rather be the person in the casket (the person who has died) than
the person giving the eulogy (the person who has to speak publicly at
the funeral).
67
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.- George Burns
Interpretation: This is a hyperbole joke about age
and retirement. Burns, who worked until shortly before his death at age
100, is equating the age at which many people retire to adolescence.
68
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.- Agatha Christie
Interpretation: Men are typically less interested in
older women. The way around this, says Christie, is to marry an
archaeologist. (Because archaeologists are interested in old things …
get it?)
69
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.- Anonymous
Interpretation: Everyone can relate to the painful
experience of “finding” furniture in the dark with their shinbone (that
is, accidentally walking into furniture because you can’t see it). It’s
almost as if shinbones were expressly designed for this purpose!
70
Interpretation: This is another version of the above Ronald Reagan joke about work (#48). But instead of making an excuse to get out of hard work (because of the small chance it might kill you), Diller is making an excuse to get out of housework.Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?- Phyllis Diller
71
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.- Rodney Dangerfield
Interpretation: If you are bisexual (attracted to
both sexes), you have twice as many romantic prospects compared to
someone who is only attracted to one sex … theoretically.
72
All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.- Will Rogers
Interpretation: It’s funny how it’s difficult to
grow a nice green lawn, yet grass grows so easily in a place where you
don’t really want to see it — the crack in the sidewalk in front of your
house.
74
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.- Evan Esar
Interpretation: The older the kids get, the more
they realize that adults don’t always know what they’re talking about
when they give advice; therefore, the best time to give them advice is
while they’re still young — never mind the fact that your advice isn’t
necessarily rock-solid.
75
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.- Murphy's Law
Interpretation: One of “Murphy’s Laws” — sayings
about the hilarious absurdity of the universe — this one states that
people will readily believe things that they can’t really understand and
have no way of disproving, but if you give them some very obvious
advice that will benefit them (like telling them a bench has wet paint
on it), they won’t believe you and will insist on learning the hard way.
76
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.- José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
Interpretation: This is a comical commentary on the
untrustworthiness of politicians: like dirty diapers, they need to be
replaced frequently because they are full of feces — or whatever other
synonym for “feces” you might prefer.
77
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.- George Jessel
Interpretation: Your brain stops working (seizes up in fright) when you have to speak in public.
78
Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.- David Brenner
Interpretation: This droll saying means that people
who hoard their money (misers) aren’t fun to live with because they
don’t share their wealth with you. But if your miser relative dies, you
benefit by inheriting the money they hoarded throughout their life.
79
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.- Erma Bombeck
Interpretation: Here’s one of those jokes where the
author takes a generally true statement — that it is very difficult to
go to the store for a loaf of bread and not buy anything else — and
exaggerates it for comic effect (by saying that these odds of returning
home with only the loaf of bread are “three billion to one”).
80
Interpretation: If you put too much emphasis on luck and superstition, that is, if you spend your time looking for lucky charms like four-leaf clovers, you’ll end up missing out on legitimate opportunities to get ahead in life.When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.- Polish Proverb
81
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.- Doug Larson
Interpretation: Bacon jokes are pretty popular these
days: people know it’s not “healthy,” but bacon-lovers just can’t seem
to resist it and have, to some extent, just started to embrace their
love of it. Like this funny quote tells us, it is certainly true that
people would eat more life-extending foods, like green vegetables, if
they tasted as delicious as bacon.
82
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.- Rodney Dangerfield
Interpretation: This quote gets the laugh when we
realize that “seeing” is being used in two very different ways. Rodney
Dangerfield admits to his wife he has been “seeing” a psychiatrist, as
in, he has been talking to a psychiatrist about his personal problems.
His wife takes this admission a different way, and starts listing the
professions of the different people she is “seeing” — which, in her
case, means the people she is cheating on her husband with.
83
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.- Jerome K. Jerome
Interpretation: As with many of the other funny
quotes on this list, the joke hits us when it becomes apparent that the
first statement, “I like work,” is not meant in the way it is commonly
used, which is “I enjoy work.” Instead, Jerome means that he enjoys
looking at work (without actually doing any work).
84
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.- Mark Twain
Interpretation: Rather than saying it’s annoying when people interrupt you, Twain says it is annoying when other people continue to talk while you’re interrupting them. What’s funny is that the interrupter is the one who’s actually being annoying but is too self-involved to realize it.
85
The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.- Dorothy Parker
Interpretation: Again, the discrepancy between the
first and second statements of this quote is what makes it funny. First,
Parker says that you can keep children at home by simply making the
home “a pleasant atmosphere”; then she says that you also have to let
the air out of their tires — in other words, you must physically prevent
them from leaving, as if they were prisoners! The fact that the
shocking part of the quote, “… and let the air out of the tires,” is
added as if it were an incidental afterthought makes it even funnier.
86
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.- Bob Hope
Interpretation: Anyone who grew up in large family
might laugh at the relatability of this quote. It means that growing up
with many siblings requires you to do a lot of waiting around to use the
bathroom, causing you to shuffle around your feet to distract yourself
from the discomfort of having to hold your pee. Hope jokes that spending
a lot of time doing the ”pee pee dance,” as some call it, is how he
learned to dance.
87
If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.- Muhammad Ali
This quote is funny in that it shows (and probably exaggerates) the enormity of Muhammad Ali’s ego — he won’t even allow you to dream about beating him.
90
Interpretation: It is common knowledge that tabloid magazines are full of lies, although people continue to read them anyway. Seinfeld is joking that people who are stupid enough to believe all the gossip and outlandis stories they read in the tabloids (or who are shallow enough to waste their time reading about the personal lives of celebrities and alien babies) are simply getting what they have coming to them, which is dishonesty.People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.- Jerry Seinfeld
91
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.- Anonymous
Interpretation: ”Keep the dream alive” is often used
as a motivational saying, but not here! In the context of this
anti-motivational quote, it means to sleep in (so you can literally
continue dreaming).
92
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.- Rodney Dangerfield
Interpretation: The anonymous author is joking that he was such an ugly child that the cat mistook him for a piece of feces.
93
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.- Harry S. Truman
Interpretation: Like many jokes about politicians,
this one made by the 33rd President of the United States makes fun of
how they can’t be trusted: in Washington D.C., America’s capital and
premier political city, the only way to have a trustworthy companion is
to get a dog (since the politicians who live there are not friendship
material).
94
At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.- Ann Landers
Interpretation: People are so often married to their
exact opposite: introverts who hate parties often marry extroverts who
love them. Being married to your social opposite presents difficulties
when you go to a party as a couple — though this can make for a rather
amusing display to an outside observer, like Ann Landers.
96
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.- Anonymous
Interpretation: Many people dislike exercise, and
many others exercise early in the morning. This anonymous author jokes
that the reason s/he exercises early in the morning is because this is
the only time of day their brain will allow them to exercise — because
it’s still half-asleep.
97
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.- Rita Rudner
Interpretation: Men love new cars, or so the
stereotype goes. So, jokes Rita Rudner, you might be able to attract a
man by wearing a perfume that smells like the inside of a new car.
98
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.- Albert Einstein
Interpretation: This science joke compares the
universe to human stupidity: there is no end to either of them. He goes
on to say that he is not even certain that the universe infinite,
implying, humorously, that the infinitude of human stupidity is an
unchallengeable fact.
99
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.- Caroline Rhea
Interpretation: Gyms are full of exercise machines …
but for someone who hates to exercise, their favorite machine in the
building is the food-and-drink dispensing vending machine.
100
Interpretation: Jokes don’t always need to make sense in order to be funny. In fact, some jokes, like this one, are funny precisely because they make no logical sense. If you always arrive late to work, you can make up these lost hours (and maybe save your job) by leaving late. However, Lamb unexpectedly says he makes up for it by leaving early, which elicits a laugh because it’s the opposite of what he should do, and because it implies he wants to spend as little time at work as possible — and don’t we all wish we could come in to work late and leave early?I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.- Charles Lamb
